why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
