Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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