She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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