Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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