a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
