One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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