you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
