After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
