Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
