I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize