I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
