Already got asked if we're dating
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
