why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
