even my farts smell like vagina
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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