Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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