Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
