She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize