I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
