i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
