I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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