Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
