I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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