i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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