i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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