I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
