If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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