I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Your penis caused this!
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