and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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