I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
