god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
