I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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