matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
