dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
