dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
