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My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
