I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
