i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
