Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
