Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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