batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Randomize
