Moan for me like Helen Keller
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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