The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
