Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
