here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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