I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
