Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
