I need help removing her.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
