I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
