Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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