You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
