my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
