Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
