He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
