hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
