First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
