the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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