how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
