oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
