im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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