her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize