My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
