your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
