If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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