She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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