You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
