His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
