He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You made out with two different species that night
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
