She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
