I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize